I am always at my comfort zone. Afraid of the unexpected and thus, will not take a risk. However, growing up and meeting new friends really does change a person. A lot had questioned my choice recently about a certain matter. I did not made that decision overnight. It took sleepless nights and a trip to realize what I really want in life and I've been telling myself that time will tell. However, I know that by making this move, it is utterly selfish and unfair to the other party. That's why I've decided to do what needed to be done. I need to be honest with myself and that person in order not to create more conflict than it already had.
It's not the first time I've fallen in love. However, it's the first time I am being honest with my feelings and myself. In the past, I know that the relationship is turning sour and yet I did nothing. It's not because I was madly in love with the jerk but it's because having him around is already a habit for me. Messaging him daily and feeling his presence is already a routine for me. I am afraid of what's going to happen if I decided to end it and so, dare not take that very step that might save me from a serious heartbreak and a fear of commitment that's still stuck with me until the very moment. When he forcefully ended it in very BAD terms, I was crushed. But, my friends were there for me and well, I recover faster than I can imagine. That relationship changes my perspective of love and I became very cynical about lots of stuffs. Commitment will be the major one. It's not like I'm a two timer but I will not be totally open(heart wise, mind you) to that person. It's very unfair for that special someone, but I just can't get comfortable. There's a part of me that is still doubtful. It might sound like I am making excuses but that is how I really felt. I am like Barney Stinson minus the womanizer part.
After thinking for weeks, I've decided on what needed to be done. This special 1 year had taught me alot and I am less cynical now. I guess I haven't met that 'perfect' someone that could get rid of the insecurity and 'tame' the cynical part of me. Thank you for giving me such special memories. You will always have a special place in my heart.
Love is really complicated huh? Crossing the border of teen and entering 20, I still have more to learn. I guess, the childhood fantasy of mine getting married with my first love sounds really childish to a 19 years old me. One should fell in love more than once to really learn the meaning of love. It's not just the flowers, love songs and romantic dates. It's about understanding each other and deep down you know you can say to yourself:" Aha, this is the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with despite whatever disgusting habits or weird tics he or she has." Well, I guess I'll just continue my journey of searching the rightful one :)
