Shape confidence

Shape and sizes.

In this era, skinny is always pretty. I, for one, hates that statement to the max. Who set the rule saying that skinny means that you are more beautiful than those who are not or those that are in the normal range on the scale of BMI? Is it because of models of top fashion designers are always skinny and that's why they are pretty? Well, if you think about it, models are not meant for eye candy because if they were, the viewers will be looking at them instead of the clothes they were modelling for. That's why they are super skinny, thin as a stick because they are modelling the clothes so they should not stand out more than the clothes, right?

I remember when I was young, I am one of the kids who are often being make fun of. I am rather chubby when I was still in primary school, ok I lied. I am not just chubby but big sized because I love to eat and enjoy food! That puts me under the spotlight whenever there are gatherings within extended family. Some family members will be commenting ' Aiyer, why you are so fat? When you are running it looks like you are going to fall down anytime!' Some cousins called me fatty and well, I was pretty offended by these statements and given I was still a kid, it really hurts! I have a low self-confidence and I will wear baggy clothes instead of nice dresses to prevent myself from being told that I am funny in dresses because it will show my size. They compared me with my sister who is rather skinny, saying that she can be a model and future beauty pageant, praising her. Even now, they still say 'wow, you lost weight. so pretty already' kinda statement.

They themselves wouldn't think that much but the 'fat' statement can really crumble a child's confidence to the max. It also send a signal to them saying that fat is ugly, skinny is beautiful. Til this day, I still tend to wear baggy clothes because I don't want them to comment on my body size since I am STILL not as skinny as my sister. During last chinese new year when I wore a dress to dinner, one commented 'wow, you are so chubby!' and whenever I passed by, the one will repeat it. So what if I don't have a model like body? So what if I'm not skinny? So what if I am chubby?? Look at Beyonce! She's not exactly skinny but she is beautiful! She has a voluptuousness body shape and curves! As long as I still have a normal body size and shape, I am beautiful in my own ways.

God created people with different shape and sizes for a reason because God doesn't make mistakes. All of them are beautiful and there are no preferences to one shape or sizes. To people who are still thinking skinny is best, well try to open up and see the beauty within everyone. As long as one is healthy, it doesn't really matter what shape you are. Love yourself for that and be grateful =)

Huh, what? I am 20??!!

To those that know me personally will know I just turned 20 not long ago.

Yes, I finally entered the second decade of my life. Well, let's be frank. It's a miracle that I am still living because we all know that human life is so fragile and one minute we are breathing, the next we might be lying in a small box forever. So, I am really blessed to still be able to make full use of my cardiac and respiratory system. A big thank you for all of those that wished me on that day. You guys made my day.

Birthday, well.. I wonder why that birthdays aren't as exciting as they used to be when I am still a kid. Maybe because of the presents, I guess. Oh no, the problem is not that I can't get what I want. Rather, it is because I can't think of anything I want. I mean, back in those days, I have so many things on my wish list. A laptop, new handphone, trips to oversea, designer bags and et cetera. Those things are not achievable when I am still in secondary school. However, everyday feels like my birthday in this recent years. When I told my dad I wanna go somewhere during my summer break, poof! The next day he told me he booked a tour to Italy for me and my mum. When I complained my handphone is not functioning, he bought me a new one right away. Gosh, when I think of it that way, he pampered me too much. That makes me want to do well and make him proud in whatever I can.

They said the big 2 means that you are no longer a teen. I say bah! I still feel the same way as I was in 19. To me, age is just a figure and well, my brain still tells me I am a teenager *laugh*. What really shocked me is the surrounding. Recently, many of my cousins SUDDENLY became off market( unavailable ).. And well, even my friends started to have someone special in their life. I, on the other hand, is still struggling to find that someone special. Not that I am desperate or anything like that. Sometimes, I kinda feel the pressure from the older generation, especially grandparents, asking whether I have a boyfriend or something like that and suddenly the whole attention is turn towards you. When I reply saying that I don't really need it, my dad would say I am crazy. *sigh* life sure is hard.

Anyway, I still find it unbelievable that I am now 20 because my mind keeps telling me I am still the same old 14 years old trying to find myself :)

Thank You

Taking a bold step is never easy. For me, at least.

I am always at my comfort zone. Afraid of the unexpected and thus, will not take a risk. However, growing up and meeting new friends really does change a person. A lot had questioned my choice recently about a certain matter. I did not made that decision overnight. It took sleepless nights and a trip to realize what I really want in life and I've been telling myself that time will tell. However, I know that by making this move, it is utterly selfish and unfair to the other party. That's why I've decided to do what needed to be done. I need to be honest with myself and that person in order not to create more conflict than it already had.

It's not the first time I've fallen in love. However, it's the first time I am being honest with my feelings and myself. In the past, I know that the relationship is turning sour and yet I did nothing. It's not because I was madly in love with the jerk but it's because having him around is already a habit for me. Messaging him daily and feeling his presence is already a routine for me. I am afraid of what's going to happen if I decided to end it and so, dare not take that very step that might save me from a serious heartbreak and a fear of commitment that's still stuck with me until the very moment. When he forcefully ended it in very BAD terms, I was crushed. But, my friends were there for me and well, I recover faster than I can imagine. That relationship changes my perspective of love and I became very cynical about lots of stuffs. Commitment will be the major one. It's not like I'm a two timer but I will not be totally open(heart wise, mind you) to that person. It's very unfair for that special someone, but I just can't get comfortable. There's a part of me that is still doubtful. It might sound like I am making excuses but that is how I really felt. I am like Barney Stinson minus the womanizer part.

After thinking for weeks, I've decided on what needed to be done. This special 1 year had taught me alot and I am less cynical now. I guess I haven't met that 'perfect' someone that could get rid of the insecurity and 'tame' the cynical part of me. Thank you for giving me such special memories. You will always have a special place in my heart.

Love is really complicated huh? Crossing the border of teen and entering 20, I still have more to learn. I guess, the childhood fantasy of mine getting married with my first love sounds really childish to a 19 years old me. One should fell in love more than once to really learn the meaning of love. It's not just the flowers, love songs and romantic dates. It's about understanding each other and deep down you know you can say to yourself:" Aha, this is the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with despite whatever disgusting habits or weird tics he or she has." Well, I guess I'll just continue my journey of searching the rightful one :)

Shoo..... Time flies

Chinese New Year is always one of the main highlight for me in a year. Reunion, good food, ang pow etc...

However, this chinese new year seems abit fast and I just can't seem to get into the mood.

Since I left secondary school, my chinese new year break has been rather short. When I mean short, it means I only get 2 days off. Yes, following public holiday. Since my previous college KY is far away from my hometown the most I can extend is one more day. This year, my break is in fact very long. Since december til chinese new year. Of course excluding exams and revision time. I expect myself to rather look forward to this festive season since I got to help in preparation and stuff. Yet, everything happened so fast that *poof* here comes the first day of the lunar calendar.

Wow.. All I did in preparation is just helping my mum buying cookies, drinks and puts up the decoration. Though mostly is my mummy working:) I have to admit mum, this year's decoration is AWESOME! For chinese new year, all I did is just eat, drink and watch Anime(Hakuouki is currently my sister and my hot topic of the moment :P Can't blame me, Saitou Hajime is just too handsome in that anime!)

There comes the first day, then the second and third and the last day where I got my holiday. During the forth day, I was just busy packing my things, thinking oh no.. I have to go back to the jungle again... What have I done for CNY?? I didn't feel excited and now it's ending already.

I have to agree with my mum. She once told me time flies when you hit 20. I guess that's true. I started my 2nd semester for my course. And in 12 weeks time, my first year as an undergrad student will end. Alright, I should stop thinking and feel scared. Let's hope time slows down ;)

The Rose

After my exams, I finally got the time to watch a movie my cousin gave me, called April Bride. It's about a woman in her 20s who gotten breast cancer. Highly recommended. Anyway, one song in the movie called The Rose. It's not a new song but a rather old one. Though the meaning of the song is so nice. So, there you go.

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love it is a hunger
An endless, aching need
I say love it is a flower,
And you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love,
In the spring, becomes the rose.